But what is it?
Defining spiritual abuse has always been a bit tricky because it's a bit of a nebulous concept. Fundamentally, I would term it as the use of spiritual or religious authority, real or otherwise, to intentionally or unintentionally coerce or manipulate others into obedience. While this does not include physical or sexual abuse, which are separate (albeit usually more important) issues, it is often used to defend these acts, or to deflect the fallout from them. It is also often used by an individual or group to consolidate power, to repress threatening elements, or to reform an entity in their image. Sometimes it is the product of good intentions - a pastor who is convinced that their vision for the church is what will best serve and help others and so will stop at nothing to implement it, or a teacher who is genuinely frightened that a particular doctrine or concept will corrupt people's minds and lead to evil - but the results are almost always the same: Hurt, brokenness, alienation, suffering, indoctrination, and more.
So how do we spot it? Well, here are a few warning signs that a ministry may be spiritually abusive. If the ministry you're a part of meets even one of the below criteria, you may want to seriously consider leaving (Please note that the following is mostly a summary of what has been written by other, better thinkers, which I am presenting in the hopes of providing something that can be read and understood in fifteen minutes).
1. The ministry is insular.
Any organization or group is, by definition, exclusive. A group that includes absolutely everyone is just called "the human race." Additionally, any organization or group is going to feel that the values they have rallied around are the truth, even if that value is that we need to rethink what truth is. So, in moderation, exclusivity in and of itself is not bad - in fact, without it, we wouldn't be able to function as a society. Insularity goes a bit beyond being exclusive, though. A ministry that is insular doesn't just believe that what they teach is the truth, they believe that what they teach is the truth by definition because they are the ones teaching it. An insular ministry does its very best to silence outside voices and to ensure that its leaders are the only ones who can hold influence over its members. If you can look around your church and say that they are regularly trying to prevent or discourage you from learning about perspectives that they disagree with, you might be in a spiritually abusive ministry (if your church is encouraging you to sever contact with anyone who is not a part of that church, then you are definitely in a spiritually abusive ministry and need to get out immediately).
2. The ministry does not tolerate questions.
I always think it's sad and a little funny when Christians complain about how angry some atheists are. Some Christians will even go so far as to say that this is evidence that God exists, because if there is no God, then what are atheists angry at? Well, potentially a variety of things, but often the answer is because they grew up in a church where they were demonized and ostracized just for voicing the questions that were on their mind. A fear of or disdain for questions is another characteristic of an abusive ministry. Abusive ministries will often see questions as an attack on their authority, and therefore the person asking the question as rebellious. This can apply both to the beliefs and practices of the church - whether you are expressing skepticism over a particular doctrine or pointing out potential flaws or pitfalls in the church vision, abusive leadership will see them both as threats. If you can look around your church and see people being rebuked, reprimanded, or ostracized for asking questions, if you are being told that the pastor or leadership speaks on behalf of God, and/or if you are being expected to submit to them absolutely, you might be in a spiritually abusive ministry.
(It's worth noting that there's some give and take, here. There's a difference between a leader being upset over you questioning them, and a leader being upset over you questioning them in a way that is malicious, obnoxious, or contextually inappropriate. Use common sense. If your pastor doesn't mind having their theology challenged but is upset that you interrupted someone else's wedding to do so, you might not be in a spiritually abusive ministry. Also, you might be a jerk).
3. The ministry uses shame and fear as tools.
If you've ever wondered why people would stay in spiritually abusive churches, this is often the reason. People are told that if they do not go along with what the leadership teaches or asks, they are holding the church back, or they are bad Christians, or they aren't Christians at all. People are told that if they leave the church, they are walking away from the truth, they will be led astray by the lies of other churches, they are turning their back on God and He will punish them for it. The ministry is made out to be unconditionally in line with God, and to oppose it is to oppose Him and invite His wrath. Of course, this can take on far more subtle tones, too. Consider the statement "If you have sex before marriage, you will forever be tarnishing your relationship with your spouse and with God." This is a problem, not only due to theological considerations, but also because rather than presenting a cogent argument on why sex should be saved for marriage, it simply attempts to use fear to manipulate people into agreeing. If the leadership does not tell you why they disagree with your words or actions but instead threaten you with the wrath of God or promises of dire consequences to come, if they label people or perspectives they dislike as Satanic or demonic, or if they equate your dedication to them (or lack thereof) with your dedication to God, you might be in a spiritually abusive ministry.
4. The ministry depends on one person.
This one may not always be a sign of spiritual abuse, but it should always be a massive red flag. At the very least, it creates the ideal atmosphere for spiritual abuse to emerge. This is also something that is becoming increasingly problematic as the internet means that big personalities become even larger, and people who used to preach to thousands are now preaching to millions across the globe. While there is nothing wrong with having a leader who is famous or simply charismatic, massive problems creep in when the ministry becomes built around them. The ministry will, intentionally or unintentionally, begin linking everything in with this leader until eventually virtually everything revolves around them. All of a sudden this leader has accumulated a massive amount of power, giving them a near-dictatorial reign over the church. Not helping the matter is the fact that, as stated above in #2, people who question this leader will be slowly (or not-so-slowly) phased out of the leadership in order to accommodate the new rising star. I am reminded of one famous pastor who, when confronted because of his corrupt financial practices, told his elders that they could not get rid of him because he was the reason why the church was so successful in the first place, and that if he left, the church would collapse around them and they'd have nothing anyway. If your church hinges around one person (and that one person isn't Christ, because I know someone out there would think "What if it's Jesus?" is a clever response), you might be in a personality cult - and those are hotbeds of spiritual abuse.
Again, something that I cannot stress enough is that it is entirely possible that spiritual abuse is carried out with benevolent intentions. Someone might use scare tactics to control you because they are genuinely frightened and they don't want to see those fears come to fruition. Someone might honestly believe that what they believe is the truth and nothing but, and as a result questioning them is undermining the truth, and therefore misleading other people. A church might be insular simply because it isn't aware of other perspectives. But the fact of the matter is, abuse is abuse, and the motivation behind it doesn't change that for a second.
It is my hope that these guidelines (which, as mentioned, are really just summaries of principles articulated by others) will help people to avoid and counteract spiritually abusive ministries, and will help church leaders purge their own practices of these habits.
One final question: If you find yourself in a spiritually abusive ministry, should you get out of there, or should you stay and try to improve things? I wish there was an easy answer for this one. Unfortunately, that's a decision only you can make. It's going to depend on to what extent the church is abusive (e.g. getting upset at you for questioning the church vision vs. calling you a tool of Satan and removing you from leadership for questioning the church vision), as well as to what extent you personally are affected by the abuse.
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